i'm not really making any new years resolutions this year.  they just don't work for me.  i'm going to try to keep focused on losing weight and i'm hoping i'll keep running.  i'm trying to stick with running by looking for 5k races around the area so i have something to work towards.  if i don't have anything to prepare for, i most likely will lose my motivation and not run.  i've looked at a couple races but i haven't decided if i am doing them or not.  anyway, i'll be heading to florida thursday until sunday so i'm not sure if i'll update before then.  i hope you all had a great new years and enjoy 2012!

i thought yesterday would be a good day but it slowly crept downhill.  i don't even want to discuss it; i just need to rant.  mom.ryan.weight.mom.ryan.weight.mom.ryan.weight.mom.ryan.weight.mom.ryan.weight.mom.ryan.weight.  i feel just, down and depressed.  i've been listening to music on itunes all day and whenever an upbeat song comes on, i usually end up changing it.  so slow, depressing songs have been playing.  you know, sometimes i don't understand how you can't see how another person is depressed.  a couple years ago, i always hung out with a good friend and was always over at her house and her mom was like a second mom to me.  her mom mentioned several times that she thought i was depressed and told me that if i ever needed to talk about anything, that she'd be there.  my own mother never even implied any of that to me.  it's  almost like i can't even talk to my mom anymore.  i don't know who to talk to.  i feel like i've been betrayed by everyone.  i feel so sick and tired and alone.  i need someone who will understand and will comfort me somehow when i just need to cry.  i don't know what will happen if i just keep letting everything inside.  i've tried hinting to my dad that i think i'm depressed but i guess he just doesn't want to face or is completely oblivious to anything i say.  what to do, what to do.

i thought you all (even though no one even reads this) would like to know how i'm doing.  this week has just been uber stressful with tons of tests/quizzes and projects that are due.  that's pretty much why i haven't been updating that often.  but other than this week being really stressful, i'm pretty good.  i've been working out 3 days a week, just running a mile each day.  it's not much but it's better than doing nothing.  it's not my official weigh-in day or anything but i like to see where i'm at every once in a while so, this morning i stepped on the scale and it said 168.6.  i've been 168/169 for the past week so i'm hoping that means i'm finally out of the 170s!

i think i feel utterly disappointed in myself.  these past two days were just two very bad hiccups in my diet.  for those of you who aren't aware, one of my senior electives is a cooking class.  currently, we're in the meats and poultry unit.  well, yesterday, we made and ate oven-fried chicken.  this wasn't soo bad but i planned accordingly and made sure i didn't overeat (at least not too much).  well, i thought i did good and maybe i did but i did go to workout yesterday and burned around 150 calories on the treadmill, running a mile.  i figured when i weighed myself this morning, i would have lost something or at least maintained my weight.  but, no; of course not.  i supposedly gained 2 pounds. 

i understand the concept of not weighing yourself everyday because weight can fluctuate a lot.  and even so, i DID work out the other day so maybe muscle was just settling in.  anyway, so today, my cooking class had a field trip to culinary arts program at a technical school.  i had absolutely no idea that we were supposed to be eating there.  now, thinking back on it, it makes perfect sense.  we're visiting a culinary arts program over a lunch period.  duh.  the food was delicious and the guy who we talked with was very informative.  it was a nice field trip.  except for the fact that i ate a ton.  i don't even want to think about the damage.  they had pasta, biscuts, spinich salad (with some kind of white wine dressing) and dessert.  the desserts were neapolitans (of any of you know what they are.  i didn't before i went there).  i felt bad about it all day.  i'm trying to just think about it as an occasional indulgence but ... that's a lot of food.  i hoping i can get my butt back on track.

you wanna know something awesome?  i think i'm finally (finally!) out of the 170's for good.  this morning i weighed exactly 169.0!  i still can't believe it; i'm so happy!  i really hope my body isn't playing cruel tricks on me but i've started eating healthier things and actually eating enough food for a day.  i was either overeating or not eating enough, normally.  so now i'm tracking everything until i get the hang of it then hopefully i won't need to write down calories, etc. 

after school today, i went to the fitness room and ran a mile which burned me 138 calories.  then, i had to walk home which is exactly half a mile but i doubt that burned much.  either way, i'm glad i worked out!  i can't even begin to express how excited i am that i may finally be getting rid of this weight.  if this is for real, i'll be soo proud of myself.  i can do this!